Phyllis Diller

Phyllis receives fan mail at:

Phyllis Diller
11365 Ventura Boulevard
# 100
Studio City, CA 91604

Hot Dog Quota

I have a hot dog quota. If I don't have enough hot dogs the world can quickly become unstable and start falling apart around me. We all know they are made of pig snouts and ear lobes but once it's all processed and packaged uniformly in a non threatening pink color it's all good. It's also one of the only foods that no one has tried to improve upon. Not that they don't offer variety, but no one has made "extreme" dogs, or "power" dogs, of "fitness" dogs. Everybody seems to be in agreement that hot dogs are just fine how they are. I would have to agree. Sausages are good to. Especially the "fitness" sausages.

Boxers or briefs?

+ Mom?
-Yes Dear.
+Are ducks better than chickens?
-In what way?
+You know, are we better in the eyes of God?
-Does it matter if we as ducks are better than chickens?
+The other ducklings think so. They talk bad about the chickens.
-Don't get involved in the other ducklings games. You just worry about being the best duck you possibly can be.
+How do I become the best duck I possibly can be?
-Do what you think in your heart is the best for every situation. Always think towards the positive and try and help out wherever you can. Don't engage in gossip. Don't take what's not yours. Use your manners and always wear clean underwear.
+Boxers or briefs?
-Boxer/briefs. It's a hybrid.
+What about thongs?
-Only chickens wear thongs.
+I thought we weren't any better than chickens in the eyes of God?
-Were not. Ducks just have more sensible underpants than chickens.
+I am confused.
-Welcome to the big leagues.

Happy Anniversary!!!!

We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible to ours, we join up with them and fall into a mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love, true love. - Unknown

Happy anniversary my love. Life with you can be as effortless as a Slip-n-Slide on a hill and more rewarding than a helping old ladies across the street. I can't imagine life without your laugh and your willingness to be silly. You are the one for me. Happy Anniversary!!!!

Fire safety adviser

This is a portrait of a Fire Safety Adviser.

Chains on my brains

Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all. Ovid (43 BC - 17 AD)

I worry a lot. A least the chains that hurt my mind are all sorts of pretty colors. The colored ones hurt a little bit less. Just a little.

True love

Dear Coffee Maker,

First off I would like to tell you that you are the most beautiful coffee maker I have ever laid eyes on. The way your stainless steel looks as the sun is just starting to come up. The way your smell fills the room. That last little blurpity noise you make as you have just used all of your water and you steam a lot. You have never let me down, not once. I have failed you, like when there was no coffee in the house or when I ran decaf through you in a fit of desperation. I really apologize for that. Anyways, I wanted you to know that you are not unappreciated. I have so much respect for you and feel honored that you would ever even have given me one 8 cup pot let alone at least 1500 or so. I'm not saying you are old, I'm just saying you have always been there for me, for many years. I love you with all of my heart.

Love, Andy

Perception

"Genius means little more than the faculty of perceiving in an unhabitual way." - William James

Mistakes happen

Poor little duck thought he had achieved enlightenment for a second. Turns out it was the Thai food from lunch.

Not of this world

“I am not of your world/But fear me not/I will do you no harm/Lend me your funky mind/And I will play with it”- George Clinton

Interesting

Interesting is the new beautiful.

Heaven?

+Mom.

-Yes dear.

+When I die, will I go to Heaven?

-No.

+Why not?

-You're a rubber duck.

+Don't rubber ducks go to heaven?

-No.

+Why not?

-It's very complicated.

+Oh. I am confused.

-Welcome to the big leagues kid. Can I fix you a sandwich?

+Sure.

Hard drive failure

Please be advised: By order of the stewards and on the advice of the mac store, this blog is being suspended until I have my hard drive replaced. I apologize for the cramp in your lifestyle. -Andrew